No more

The day my sister died
on an emergency table in some random hospital 300 miles away,
I was comfortably sitting by an office table 
trying to figure out the best way to make my career work.

The day my sister died 
among strangers who couldn’t grasp her last words,
I was among well-meaning colleagues 
who knew naught about this chirpy
girl sitting next to them.

The day my sister took her last breath,
I was letting out a big sigh of relief,
my mini- research was halfway through!

Hundred miles and half a day later,
the words ‘no more’ fell on deaf years and a chilled heart.

NO MORE! NO MORE!!
No More of what??
No more fights
No more arguments
No more of the problems she brought home.
No more hatred
No more resentments
No more bossing over.
NO MORE!!

Well, no more sounded nice… except—
No more recharges
No more gifts
No more chiding on my lacking dress sense.
But that’s an okayish NO MORE, right?

The night of my sister’s death, between
tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep,
I told myself, everything is okay.

“No more” was no hard phrase…
…until I met that strange sewn up face
sticking out of a big lump of cloth.

Someone was screaming inside,
inside and only inside;
floodgates were firmly shut-
foolproof, stable outside.

Ten days before my sister’s birthday
they cried over a sealed casket
and told me she has no more birthdays.

I told myself everything is alright. 
“No more” was no hard phrase.
No more birthdays
No more surprises
Oh, how she loved to surprise us.

Maybe I should ask her if she loves… s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e-s.
But, there are no more ‘maybe’s.
If she was around she would’ve made fun of my silly mistake.
But, no more ‘if’s.
I wish I had told her 
how much I looked up to her
how fiercely I loved her 
maybe if we try hard enough,
we might just ‘get each other’.

But…
no more maybe-s
no more wishes
no more if-s
no more plans
no more future
no more would be-s
no more hope.

NO MORE!
too deep a word to simply roll off your tongue.
it’s not just that a person ceases to exist, 
-a constant reminder that 
  life is NO MORE the same
  you are NO MORE the same.
I AM no more the same.

That day my sister let out her last breath,
on an emergency table miles from home,
with no recorded last words,
no dear one to hold her hand,
and no goodbyes,
I learnt-no more was my limit to love.

©mar:ter