The risks we take…

How deeply can you know a person?
It was quite recently that a colleague asked me this question. However frequently you meet, however closely you interact, will you ever get to know someone truly?

I defended it back then, that it is possible to be transparent and genuine wherever you are, but the question stayed with me. A few evenings later, as I crashed in my room and burst into tears, I recalled the whole day of jokes and laughter, and realised that the observation was quite true.
Workplace (or any space that’s not your personal space) never sees your true self; it may see your excellence, laziness, humor or temper, but it never sees you for who you are. People see your confidence, skills, and accolades… They may envy you for it or complement you on it, but they haven’t seen the fights you’ve fought to get here, they have no clue about the reasons that hold you here, and quite unintentionally you maybe the very person who’s preventing them from seeing it.
Take the instance where, during a lunchtime conversation, twenties was deemed the most excellent age to die. I remember foolishly smiling at the speaker in bewilderment, as I struggled to not shout out that you don’t know death until you lose someone. Four years ago, my classmates had quite easily mistaken my tearless eyes over my sister’s coffin as a total lack of grief…
Truth is, not everyone gets to see you for your true self. You often choose to open yourself to a selected few, a risk that you take in the pursuit of finding true connection.
You carefully allow some people in and let them see the beauty and mess alike. Many of them may have exploited your genuineness and walked away, some may have glanced in and moved away uninterested, but a handful of ordinary people will embrace you with all of your bumps and ridges…
The memory of your repeated losses may cause you to push even these lovely bunch away coz you feel you don’t deserve them. I have, and however hard I try, I still end up doing it.
But I hope and pray that we choose to hold on nevertheless. We’ve all been hurt; all we can do is try to heal each other. Afterall, love isn’t just an uncontrollable emotion, it’s an everyday conscious choice.

© mar:ter