I am not

I’m not this strong woman who
braved storms and emerged wiser from it;
not a sage who made fables from the
painful chapters that destroyed my peace;
definitely not a lesson on how
to bravely ride over life’s hardest waves;

Don’t tell me my solo fights made me purer
and stronger.

I’m scared
I’m tired
I’m broken

Anyone out there who can
gather my pieces and stick it
together for me?
Coz I’m sick of trying to do that,
and repeatedly failing!

Don’t call me brave for fighting my fights on my own. I did it only because there was no other choice except that one choice I chose to not choose.

Leaving someone to fight their fights on their own isn’t going to make them stronger… do you have the strength to stay with them in their pain?
It’s draining and frustrating to stay with them in a haze that you are not able to see — the repeated reassurances that seem to fall on deaf ears, to watch the intense pain that makes you feel so helpless, to cancel plans because you are afraid of losing them forever…
It’s brave to stand by someone when they are fighting a battle they don’t even understand; no one abandons a fellow soldier on the battlefield because being on her own will make her fight harder for her life.

© mar:ter