unseen

glorious warriors
who’ve braved storms with smiles,
models that all aspire to be,
with scars to remind that
the road was one hard trek
… those visible fights you’ve
no trouble seeing.

unsung warriors
with wounds beneath their skin,
they try hard, but in vain
to outline the fight that
sucked them off their life
… some fights go unseen,
unknown.

To all my comrades out there, trapped in an endless cycle of recalling and reliving the unspeakable traumas in life,

I know the way you look at “survivors” and call yourself a loser; how you tell yourself day in and day out that your fight is so trivial compared to theirs and yet they are standing tall and you are struggling to stay afloat. How hard a task it is to even convince someone that beneath your smile (or the lack thereof) is a well of agony that you do not have words to explain.

The physical fights leave visible wounds, and scars that prove the struggle that ensued. But these brutal wars that we fight within, the deep wounds that incessantly bleed till we drop down on the battle field, the help that never arrives because to the beholder there is nothing to be helped… that helplessness of not being able to prove that you are in need of some respite!

If only this task of convincing the other was the hardest! An even difficult task is to convince oneself that this is real; the pain tearing at you, the fear of losing your sanity, the need for security, the night terrors, the endless cycle of reliving your fears… Day in and day out, you try to tell yourself that you are blowing this out of proportion, that if only you could muster the will to go on you can forget it all and move forward with ease. And when, after days and months of tireless effort, you manage to convince yourself that you deserve a rest and a time to heal, and with tremendous energy you finally manage to smile and laugh and run around again, someone comes along to question it all over again, telling you that your smile and energy is sole proof that there was nothing wrong in the first place. You have no scars to show them, no witness to call to the stand, no way to prove to them that the stories you carry and the victory you are proud of is real. Truth is, however hard you try, most people don’t get it, and you get labelled as attention seekers and storytellers.

In the midst of all these, the hardest task is to see that you don’t have to prove this to anyone. Your tears, your pain, the effort you put in to regain your smile, are all your stories. As long as you are sure of the reality of the day-to-day struggles to keep yourself sane, of the paths you have tread to reach this space of peace you are at right now, the cost of each smile and laugh you see yourself enjoying, you don’t need another’s affirmation to go on fighting these demons.

Cruel fact is, this is not fair. That you had to (and still have to on many days) fight one hell of a battle to keep yourself alive and no one appreciates you for that daily fight you relentlessly keep at. That the accolades they give you are so trivial compared to the real victories they have closed their eyes to. But more than all that, when you need support the most, there is no shoulder to lean on and rest is the most unfair reality of all. There is pain in this knowledge that the world outside might never see your open wounds, that you might never find a hand to hold on to as you are sinking, that you will have to fight with all you have to suck in a breath of air to keep yourself alive; but as time passes you’ll discover that the wisdom this pain brings will empower you.

As you go forward laboriously, one step at a time (sometimes even half steps and quarter steps), you see that in spite of all these ignorance from fellow beings, you are still standing; that regardless of their lack of understanding, you understand yourself so much better- your pains, your needs, your victories… you learn to love yourself more and appreciate yourself more, and from this understanding rises a powerful soul.
You have seen darkness, been in it, fought through it, and so when you see someone faltering in the same darkness, you can’t stop yourself from extending a hand.
Mind it, this doesn’t happen overnight- it is a long and painful process that sucks you out of all your energy and your love for life; please hang on, this fire you are in right now is shaping you into a beautiful jewel of incomparable beauty.
Yes, it is not fair; the heat, the fight, the falls… But at the end of the day, you see that the world is an unfair place, and this taste of unfairness that you received makes you all the more determined to make it a fairer place.

© mar:ter